That’s it. That’s the only thing that stands between me and what I’ve been working towards for almost 5 years now. To have an actual number attached to it is both reassuring and terrifying. It’s reassuring because I can count exactly how long it is before I get my reward and can leave this place for good. In the same sense it’s terrifying because leaving this place means that I become a part of the real world. I have to find a job, support myself and pay taxes and bills like a normal person. Obviously I do and have done some of these things already but the difference is that I’ll be a full-fledged adult, with all the privileges and responsibilities therein.
144 days also makes you start thinking about all the time you’ve already spent. It makes you think about what you could have done differently. In my case, among other things, I wish I hadn’t waited until this year to try to meet people. I wish I had gotten the courage to speak up, to reach out and to not wall myself in. The people I’ve met this year are amazing but I can’t help but think about where I might be if I had done it sooner.
Any way you look at it though, the fact is I have 144 days left. That’s it. 144 times where I can wake up and try to make the most of a day here. I won’t waste that time. I CAN’T waste that time. These are the final pages of a chapter in my life and I hold the pen. How it ends is up to me.